In-laws: What To Do When We Don’t Like Them?
The statement “I can’t stand my in-laws” is quite common. That’s probably what some of us think too. But do relationships with the partner’s family of origin necessarily have to be conflicting? We talk about it in this article.
According to Istat data, 27% of cases of friction between spouses are linked to the intrusiveness of in-laws in the couple’s life. While according to data from the Italian Association of Marriage Lawyers, one in three marriages is in crisis due to excessive interference by in-laws.
In these cases, coexistence risks becoming a real torture, an unsustainable struggle for those who find themselves in the middle.
It is clear, therefore, that conflict with in-laws can have a strong impact on the relationship. But how to avoid that the problem affects the couple’s relationship? Below we share some aspects to take into consideration.
Express how it feels towards in-laws
According to some experts, learning to communicate the discomfort and share one’s concerns, or to give voice to the problem through an assertive dialogue, is one of the goals of therapy in this sense.
Therefore, communicating to your partner how we feel about his family is the first step to avoid ruining the relationship.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
The family of origin is as important to the partner as ours is to us. Therefore, phrases such as “I can’t stand his family”, “I can’t stand his parents”, or “I wish I had other in-laws!” Can cause him discomfort.
In this sense, experiencing the conflict between one’s partner and one’s family of origin is quite painful, forcing us to assume an uncomfortable and difficult position.
Establish boundaries with in-laws and the rest of the family
According to Argentine psychotherapist Salvador Minuchin, families are systems composed of several subsystems. Among the most important ones we have the one constituted by the couple, the partner and the children, the parents of both, the brothers, the respective grandparents.
For Minuchin and for systemic psychology, it is essential to establish concrete limits in the family system, as each member of the family must play a certain role and if there are no limits, the roles tend to get confused, creating possible relationship problems in the system.
For this reason, it is essential to establish clear limits, which must not be exceeded if family harmony is to be maintained.
The couple as a team
Just as it is important to mark boundaries with the rest of the family subsystems, it is equally essential to start from the concept of unity. The couple is a team, making decisions and reaching agreements on what is best for the system they form, according to Minuchin.
In summary, living a conflictual relationship with in-laws can lead to a clash with your partner as well. If steps are not taken to address the situation, it can also turn into a serious problem.
Don’t forget that there are psychology professionals who specialize in resolving this kind of conflict.
