I’m Not What Happened To Me, But Who I Decide To Be

They are more than all the battles I’ve lost or my moments of despair. I deny that I am part of those who hurt me. What reflects the mirror of my present is the attitude towards that past which, instead of erasing, I strive to accept and overcome in order to be a better, stronger, more worthy person.

Boris Cyrulnik, a famous French neurologist, psychiatrist and ethologist, states in his writings that resilience is like a wool sweater that we have unknowingly woven in the course of our past. Each fiber that composes and defines it is an emotion, a thought, a positive and courageous attitude that has allowed us to be what we really want and deserve: stronger people.

Some approaches, such as Gestalt psychology, suggest very interesting strategies on the subject. According to the supporters of this psychological current, the only experience that matters is that of living “here and now”, with full awareness of oneself. Where then does our past remain?

The past exists and is important because it can determine both the reality and the quality of our present. We have to act responsibly, manage those conflicts that, in some way, haunt our balance right now. We invite you to reflect on the subject.

I’m so much more than anything I’ve been through

You are not that voice that as a child always shouted at you that you were ugly and that you hurt everything. You are the attitude in front of that memory, that past. You are the person who has proven to herself that she is capable and that she does things really well.

Between yesterday’s traumatic experience and today’s reaction, a whole path of delicate and profound personal struggle opens up. It is simply a matter of “mending” every day our gaps and our wounds with the thread of self-esteem, the buttons of hope and the fibers of resilience that Dr. Cyrulnik speaks of.

The ability to heal broken hearts and regretful souls does not develop overnight. Time, despite what is said, does not cancel or change the pain of yesterday. In fact, it transforms us. Those who have managed a complicated experience in the right way will advance towards their personal horizon in a more mature, courageous and renewed way.

Conversely, those who cling to the past blindly and obsessively lose their future. People who strive to immerse themselves in their dark voids, in the voices screaming at them or in the faces of those who have hurt them, will fall into complete psychological agony. In a truly painful personal labyrinth. Below we propose a series of strategies to avoid all this.

The art of navigating between streams

If we consider life as a journey on a river, we easily realize that sooner or later we can come across intense torrents whose waters can hit us or even make us sink. The art of navigating these waters, sometimes calm and sometimes full of unexpected events, requires above all to have great strategies in the emotional field.

We must be aware that in the face of adversity, our brain reacts at the beginning with specific defense mechanisms. An example is stress and that cognitive response based on fear, on the feeling of being helpless and on the tendency to anticipate the future in a negative way. If we did not know how to manage these situations, we would become fragile leaves carried in a chaotic way by the current of the river and the wind.

The art of a good navigator involves the ability to maintain balance. Anxiety, the noise of negative thoughts, fear or resentment are like stones in the heart that will irreparably sink us into the river of life. We must not allow it.

• Gestalt psychologists remind us that it is necessary to be aware of the facts of the past that haunt our present. We have to tear them apart, look at them under the microscope to understand how they are influencing our “here and now”.

• Once we have analyzed how they deform us, in which they distance us from what we really want to be in a given moment, then we must face them.

• We must think that we are not the mistakes we have made in the past. We are not those who denied us his love. We are not even those who despised us or those who left us for someone else. Let’s look in the mirror now and think about who we really want to be.

• All of us are the attitude we take towards life and not the simple result of what has happened to us. The mind interprets, evaluates and faces every experience lived through self-esteem, resilience and hope.

Put this advice into practice, don’t just let yourself be “carried away” by the current of the river. Strive every day for who you want to be and keep in mind that sometimes it is better to forget what you are feeling and remember what you really deserve.