Fixing Others: When It’s A Need

There are people who feel the need to fix others, to be the first to save, to solve, to offer help. Sometimes behind this dedication there can be a sort of intrusiveness and even selfishness, because some things that break in our private life can only be fixed by the person concerned. And this is because there are those who see in this help received a moral debt which will then be paid off.

One way or another, we all know those profiles who need to always be the saviors of all causes. Most of these people do it in good faith; most of these profiles feel happy by offering a shoulder and offering total support. However, just as it is good to know when it is time to help, it is equally important to understand when it is best to step aside.

At the same time, there is one aspect that we cannot leave out. Sometimes the matter can be dangerous or very delicate. It may have thorns and even cracks that could get worse if touched. There are times, therefore, when the best answer is to do nothing. Just be that present figure ready to help, but in silence and with wisdom.

Broken people need help from a specialist. People with broken hearts and shattered self-esteem also need time to heal, a suitable and comfortable space in which to shelter little by little and at their own pace.

There are, in fact, certain processes that we cannot accelerate. Nor can we stand as savior heroes of causes we don’t know in depth or in need of some other kind of assistance.

People who feel the need to fix others

People who feel the need to fix others sometimes insist on wanting to put patches where there are no wounds or scratches. It is true that good will and even nobility of mind reside there, but their eagerness to solve any problem is often excessive. We refer to those profiles who are extremely committed to wanting to do us an unsolicited favor or to resolve aspects that in reality do not require assistance or any kind of help.

This attitude is typical, for example, of those who insist on seeking a partner for those who do not have one or do not want it. Or, even worse, in those who advise us to distance ourselves from that person who, in his opinion, represents a danger to us. They are also those figures who invite us to be more outgoing, more open and daring, when in reality they have not bothered to understand how all these aspects fit with our character.

The so-called “social solvers” feel compelled to fix anything that appears defective, hurt or unhappy in their eyes. They do this almost automatically because in reality it is they themselves, often, who are the real survivors of a past pain; it is they, after all, who are really hurt by unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

The Saving Personality and the White Knight

People who feel the need to save others fall into a profile that in psychology is called the White Knight syndrome. This term was coined by doctors and professors of psychology at Berkeley Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger.

This slice of the population includes all those men and women who often establish relationships with people who are wounded and vulnerable in their eyes. Their idea, their purpose, is to save and heal them. They strive to be that figure who can offer any resource without it being strictly necessary at times.

With this attitude of saviors and healers, their goal is to make sense of their life. This is why the authors of the definition of this profile specify that the White Knight is distinguished by the traits we are about to discover.

What is a white knight like?

• They are people who at some point in their life have suffered from abandonment, abuse, the loss of a guardian, etc.

• They are very sensitive and emotionally vulnerable. 

• They need to feel useful.

• They are very critical of themselves, but sometimes they belittle others for a very specific reason: by making the other more vulnerable, they justify their intervention.

• They tend not to enjoy other people’s successes, confident, courageous attitudes or risks. They would prefer us to be insecure and on the verge of failure, sadness and fear, so much so that they ask for help.

Those who feel the need to fix others are like those white knights who move from kingdom to kingdom by lending their support and helping everyone they meet (even if they don’t need or ask for it). Most of the time their actions result in frustration, because these interventions can be perceived as intrusive and annoying.

We can therefore try to imagine the life of this type of profile. They are accompanied by disappointment, suffering and the helplessness of those who do not see gratitude for their efforts, for their noble will. They can be tyrannical, at times even manipulative, but what we must always be able to see in these people is a wounded being that dwells in them.

It is the white knight, in the end, the one who must be saved. It is they themselves who open the doors to the healing of past wounds, as well as that frayed self-esteem that drives them to project their own needs onto others. We must therefore be sensitive to any kind of reality.

At the same time, if instead we are the white knight, let us allow ourselves to be helped: the time has come to lighten the burden and fight the most difficult challenge of all: personal healing.