Dear Me, Let’s Stop Fighting For Someone Who Doesn’t Love Us

Dear me, let’s stop fighting for someone who doesn’t love us. Let’s move forward to never hurt ourselves again with a love with too many contraindications. Let us fill our hearts with dignity and uproot this affective dictatorship in order to be able to courageously say “I leave you, because I love myself”.

We know it’s not easy. We are aware that inside our brain there is no RESTART button, an emergency exit or a window to open to let in fresh air, so that the prison of our penis is oxygenated. The brain is stubborn, methodical and persistent. It is an entity that struggles and clings to maintain emotional memories, because it is they, ultimately, who give a great imprint to our identity.

They say that loving without being loved is like trying to light a candle with an unlit match. The truth is, we don’t really know why we do it, why we commit ourselves to idolizing someone who doesn’t love us. We persist and resist, and we keep saying “if I tell him this maybe …”, “maybe if I change this aspect of me …”; as if, by doing so, we get something.

However, love is not a vending machine. It’s not enough to insert a coin and press a button to get what we want so much. Sometimes there is no other remedy but to take the decisive step: kill false hopes and stop pining for those who walk in other directions with another company.

The shadow of those who do not love us is difficult to cast out of the brain

We wondered why this phenomenon, why turning the page and acting with more integrity is so difficult when we know we are not loved. The answer, of course, lies in that intricate and at the same time fascinating neurological world. Let’s take an example to better understand.

For a few days we have had the total feeling of being well. We are overcoming the breakup. However, on any given afternoon, we cross paths with a person who uses the same perfume as our ex. Without knowing how, suffering attacks us again to the point of immobilizing us, leading us to drift with tears again.

Antoine Bechara is a famous neurobiologist from the University of California who has given a definition of the so-called “brain conflict”. When a person is rejected, the brain remains tied to certain stimuli, images and memories. The neuronal network charged with building this intimate and powerful relationship lies between two very specific areas: the hippocampus and the amygdala.

We cannot forget that these structures govern and direct all memory intimately connected with emotions. Thus, every experience lived with that special person has been engraved within us in focus and is anchored to certain stimuli that act as diffusers or recallers of the memory.

For this reason, when we smell a perfume, see a certain garment, a photograph or go to a restaurant where we had dinner on the weekend, our neurotransmitters are activated to the point of turning us into real addicts of that impossible love.

It’s not that easy to break that bond and reconcile that brain conflict.

Dear me, open your eyes and heal your heart

The anatomy of rejection and abandonment is crude, deep and complex. We know that our resistance to moving on is not always voluntary, that our brains also fuel this vicious biochemical cycle and condemn itself.

Neurobiologists also explain to us that the “time factor” ends up reducing the activity of these constrained memories. The brain connections that foster these negative emotions lose strength a little at a time, until they become the echo of a sad and distant melody, which we end up evoking with less pain.

If we apply some adequate psychological strategies with which to stop feeding the cult of those who do not love us, with the passing of the months we will be able to advance more calmly. Now we will tell you which strategies might help you.

Strategies for overcoming emotional rejection

“Dear me, if they don’t love you, remember to love yourself first and above all else”. This is undoubtedly the main premise that must be memorized and applied. However, it is evident that they have not taught us to give up or to lose, which is why we find it very difficult to eliminate the bonds of this type.

• You must understand that to love does not mean to sacrifice. The phrases “maybe if I stop doing this he will love me” or “if I change this aspect he will like me more” are totally useless. Don’t do it. Don’t start emotional suicides, don’t humble yourself, don’t annihilate the only thing that gives you strength, which is your self-esteem.

• If he hurts you, he doesn’t love you. It’s that simple. If you are invisible beings in its carousel of infidelity, selfishness and profanity, move away. Why be the victim of this emotional torture room where you have made yourself prisoner? Run away; eventually you will realize that freedom is the best medicine and that solitude is a welcome refuge.

• The first thing to lose in impossible loves is hope. There are reports that are born with the expiration date already burned. If you are fully aware that nothing you wish for is going to come true, walk out the front door. With dignity, with head held high and with a whole heart.

Loving someone who does not love us is infinitely painful, but it is even more painful to stop loving ourselves to follow someone who does not deserve us. Act with integrity and wisdom, always aware that you must love only those who are worthy of being loved.