Adopted Children: How Does Attachment Develop?

During the first years of life of adopted children, certain circumstances may occur that cause certain complications associated with their development. Difficulties that are very common among adopted children, while other children are unlikely to have to overcome.

This can cause them to behave in a worrying way. Sometimes they develop an excessive dependence on their adoptive parents. In other cases, on the contrary, it may seem that the little one tries to distance himself emotionally from them … Why? Read on to find out!

What variables affect attachment in adopted children?

Before living with what will become their family, adopted children often go through numerous situations, not always easy or appropriate for their age. Among these there are some that play a fundamental role in the development of attachment. On the one hand, it is more difficult for these little ones to develop a secure attachment with their adoptive parents if they have experienced abuse and / or been neglected by their family of origin or by the institutions / foster families.

During the first few years of life, we need the adults around us to respond effectively to our requests for support and closeness. If they neglect us or respond aggressively to us, they generate in us mistrust and fear of those figures who should transmit security to us, and this will affect our future relationships.

A similar thing happens when children have spent a lot of time in an institution. Today it is difficult for children to be treated badly in these shelters, but this does not mean that the many emotional and psychological needs that arise at this age are met. Therefore, it is a variable that influences the development of attachment in adopted children.

Even if they are physically well cared for, there is usually a single guardian for many children, making it difficult to emotionally care for them with the commitment they need. Because of this, differences are observed in the development of attachment among children adopted during their first months of life compared to those who are adopted at a later age.

What are the characteristics of parents that foster adequate attachment?

These early experiences are beyond the control of the adoptive parents. So the question is: is there anything they can do to make their children develop adequately emotionally and socially? Of course. Parents’ behaviors and personality play a fundamental role in the development of attachment.

Among the variables that foster healthy attachment by adopted children are emotional stability, tolerance to stress, flexibility and adequate expression of feelings. In other words,  mature parents, who establish a secure attachment and who are also capable of teaching, both in words and deeds.

They are parents with sufficient resources to cope with adversity and regulate negative emotions adaptively, being able to ask for help if they need it. When they do, they also never feel that this request for help makes them worse parents and doesn’t undermine their self-esteem. As a result, they are able to pass on to their children how important emotional management is and the results that can be gained from it.

This empathy places them in a privileged position: they will be able to let their children know their origins. In this way they favor a more realistic view of the reasons behind their adoption. And this is important because many adopted children feel guilty and undervalued because they have been abandoned. All of this is essential for them to enjoy a secure attachment… We do our best to succeed!

Images courtesy of Rene Bernal, Larm MRAH of Brussels and Ben White.